Reason
by Hisaishi
Summary: There are a million different ways to begin a story, but only one to see it end...I never thought the reason would be quite that simple - the reason for all our suffering - but there it was, divided, impartial, the same as us. /Takes place after Greed Island./
1. Almost the Beginning

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hunter x Hunter**

* * *

I didn't feel my feet give way, my knees hitting the ground with a muted _thud. _All I felt was pure numbness, my mind frozen on the sight of Killua before me. I didn't hear the clashing of battles in the background, or the sound of my own breathing; I only heard Gon's labored gasps. I didn't smell the soil under my feet, or the chalky sent of rubble that drifted in the air. I smelled the iron tang of blood, and tasted the same...

...And that was it.

Every one of my senses was occupied by the sight of the two boys before me, one slung onto the other's back. His black hair swayed behind him wildly, his limp frame shaking with the pure strain of keeping alive. That was not Gon Freecss. It _couldn't _have been Gon Freecss, the boy who was full to the brim with energy and brightness. The thing on Killua's back exuded thick clouds of aura, the kind that made me want to double over in nausea.

But what scared me the most was that Killua looked just as hollow, his expression flashing between absolute _heartbreak, _and blank nothingness. Red seeped down his arms and legs, not his own, but that of the broken boy. His head was hung dismally, his feet shuffling with robotic movements. I wanted to reach out and lift the burden from his back, but I knew that if I held that weight for even just a second, I would crumble entirely. As it was, I was having trouble not falling apart just watching as the defeated boy drifted past me without a single glance.

"...What happened?" I asked the question with a trembling voice, rising on my legs unsteadily. Everything about me screamed instability as I took careful steps towards him. No, it wasn't instability. It was something else…._fear. _

Fear at his answer and my own mental state.

Both of those fears were instantly heightened by Killua's silence, still moving forward to leave me in the dust.

"Killua!" I could hear my voice cracking, but I didn't care. I didn't care what happened anymore as long as they were safe, as long as it wasn't already over.

It couldn't be over.

That wasn't how it was supposed to go, whether I liked it or not. No, when we became friends at the exam, I'd assumed it would be all fun and dandy and adventurous. Which was odd, because I wasn't someone who normally thought of things as 'dandy'. It was usually the polar opposite, a fact always seemed to get Gon and I into silly disputes over the next course of action, and how I insisted that we had to prepare for the worst.

When Gon shouted, "Nigg!", I actually expected it to lead us to Ging, the first sign that I was beginning to get all soft. That wasn't even where it all began, but in a way, it was when things started to change.

* * *

It was warm despite the wind, and the top of the tower had a great view of the land before us. My mouth was stretched into a contented smile, the boys looking just as relaxed. But it wasn't a calm relaxation; It was the kind of weird relaxation you feel right before you go on stage, or speak in public. It was the eager, nervous air that everyone seemed to share, and often accompanied an exciting battle.

"Siroun...Killua…" Gon spoke our names with determination, both of us turning to him with a nod.

"Accompany on: Nigg!"

That didn't quite work.

I grunted as I was dumped roughly on the ground, rubbing the back of my head and spouting the foulest of curse words. Gon used to scold me for the _really _vulgar ones, but with time, he grew used to them. I wasn't ever going to stop, anyways.

After gathering my bearings, I took a quick glance around to make sure my buddies were a-ok, which they were. Having that relief, I began to stand, but was interrupted by bullets aimed at my feet. Not a pleasant way to be shocked.

I probably jumped thirty feet in the air, letting out a silent scream at the peak of my height. If Killua wasn't busy saving Gon's ass, I'm sure he would've gotten a good laugh out of that. But alas, we were apparently under attack by a lanky figure, silver hair flowing behind him dramatically. I landed somewhat gracefully, bolting to the crouching boys and giving our assailant a cold glower.

"That's not Ging, is it?" Killua asked, looking royally pissed at the pretty man. I shook my head with Gon, part of me curious as to why we'd been attacked, and the other part ready to rip someone's throat out.

"Are you hurt?" He asked, all three of us straightening in surprise. It wasn't often that your attacker asked your status, unless it was some kind of sadistic question that ended with death. I really hoped it wasn't that.

"What was that about? First you push us down, then you fire at us!" Killua was on guard, barking his words with blame. The man stepped forward, his air confident but not overly so. Cool guys were hard to hate.

"If I hadn't opened fire, you would've been attacked by the ants."

Right on cue, one of the nasty little buggers leaped from the rubble and straight onto Killua, who fell backwards in pain.

Both Gon and I rushed forward, but the pretty man beat us by a landslide, knocking the sentient head off of our friend's leg. Killua really needed a tan.

It was at that moment, most of the the tension gone, that I decided to take note of my surroundings. The air was filled with heavy smoke from the bullets, the ground covered in flagstones and scattered insects. Anthill remnants swirled with the wind, picking up alongside fallen cherry blossoms and the occasional pine needle from a forest in the distance. It was _almost _serene.

"That was no ordinary ant. It was a Chimera Ant. They're aggressive, carnivorous insects, currently under class-1 quarantine." The attacker halted in his steps, towering over the boys from their position on the ground. Hell, he towered over me even when I was standing.

"You were standing right in front of their nest. Had I not fired, you would've been consumed by a Chimera Ant army by now."

The man proceeded to kneel before Killua, handing him some antibiotic and then having a conversation with his weapon. Yup, totally normal.

What was even weirder was Gon's reaction, as he seemed to have a freaky deja-vu moment, zoning out and everything. Kil and I shot each other worried looks that were broken by Gon's cry.

"Are you the one who saved me back then?"

* * *

I sat idly by the fire, Gon and Kite chatting it up, and Killua listening intently. His story seemed all noble and heroic and past-y, but I was far more interested in examining the scars on my legs. Our recent fight on Greed Island, in which I'd been forced to take on one of Genthru's men, had earned me a nasty looking mark below the knee. I wouldn't recommend shin gashes; They hurt like hell.

I was alerted back to reality by a fish being shoved into my hands, something I was grateful for. Adrenaline rushes always left me starving, and my appetite rivaled that of the two boys beside me. While I was devouring the poor sea creature, Gon seemed to be learning much about his father, which made the trip a useful one. I was disappointed at the lack of Ging that the Accompany card had brought, but at least that meant that we could stay together for a while longer.

Now that I thought about it, I was rather unsure of my next steps. Like Killua, I didn't really have any plans, which was one of the reasons I followed Gon. Unlike Killua, I had a sick mother that I really missed, and wanted desperately to return to. Of course, I'd drag the boys along with me if I could, but that wasn't an option. Not at my house. "Siroun." Killua nudged my shoulder, whispering my name with concern

"Huh?"

He gave me an uneasy look, eyebrows furrowed and mouth drawn into a tight line. Both Gon and Kite were immersed in their talk, oblivious to our lack of focus.

"Nothing. You just looked upset."

"Something about this place feels...wrong."

* * *

**I hope being thrust into the story wasn't too weird. **

**Anyway, I've come to realize that most of the fanfictions for Hunter x Hunter have absolutely nothing to do with the Chimera Ant arc. I, for one, love the character development for Killua in that part of the series. Unfortunately, giant ants and hella long info gaps aren't exactly fun to write about :/ **

**Nevertheless, I thought I'd give it a shot, and skip some stuff before. A lot of stuff.  
Don't worry, it'll be brought up in flashbacks and mentioned when called for. Since it's from Siroun's POV, a lot of the boring crap will be left out, and it'll probably focus mainly on her feelings/relationships with the boys and general kickassery. (I'm surprised that it's not trying to spell check kickassery)**

**I hope to continue it after the arc, with non-canon content, but that depends on how it goes. **

**Rated T for strong language, violence, dark themes, etc. **

**Never fear, there'll be fluff and character interactions galore, despite the overall separation of the CA arc. It **_**is **_**an OC story, after all.**


	2. Stupid Idiot

I hate cold with every fiber of my being. I hate the way it rips at my skin, numbing all my nerves carefully before slicing through them with icy daggers. I hate the way it makes me feel indifferent, but still makes me feel, nevertheless. But even more than I hate the cold, I hate the heat. I hate the heat because it gives me false hope of glory and sunshine and happiness, because it makes me feel secure. And then it melts my skin slowly, starting with my mouth to prevent me from screaming. It takes my heart last, just so I'll keep living on while it damages the rest of my body beyond repair.

My whole childhood, I'd been subjected to nothing but relentless heat.

They told me they loved me, that they would protect me. And then they snapped in an instant.

_He _snapped in an instant, using 'training' as justification for taking his rage out on me. But that wasn't the kind of thing you admitted to your frail mother. I knew she saw it, understood what was happening, but what the hell could she even do?

The answer was nothing.

The first time Gon spoke to me at the Hunter Exam, I didn't respond. Not because I was rude, or didn't like him, but because I'd been taught not to speak. Not to scream. I'd been taught that my voice only caused me more pain, but the voice in my head became callous and sneer.

When Killua talked to me, I was almost tempted to respond, to demand that he stop showing off on that stupid skateboard. But I didn't.

I didn't say a word until he was confronted by his brother. Until I saw Illumi's control, the weakness that overtook Killua. I didn't like the familiarity. Standing there, watching his brother openly manipulate him, I'd never been more furious. More helpless.

So the first words I'd spoken in forever were some rather unpleasant ones. The curses I spat at Illumi caused every head in the room to turn, but my determination didn't waver. Even if I couldn't stand up to my own brother, I could keep Killua from falling to his.

I'm glad I hadn't spoken until then.

I think it made a bigger impact on Killua, who was pretty sexist at the time. Up until that point, I was just the mute little girl who followed them around.

But it didn't matter, because either way, I know that the three of us would've ended up together. We would've found _some _way to be happy, because that was just how it had to be.

* * *

The biggest question on my mind was: What the hell kind of name is Stick Dinner?

"I'm Gon Freecss!" He announced, holding his hand out for each of them to warily shake. One of them seemed to catch on that he was Ging's son, and a wave of impressed sounds scattered throughout the small group.

"I'm Killua Zoldyck," the silver haired boy said with a sweet smile. If he'd been that nice when he introduced himself to Gon and I, I would've talked much sooner. But no. He just had to be a skateboard-riding ass.

Again, reactions to his last name. They weren't nearly as positive as Gon's, but he almost seemed pleased with them. Smug butthole. Still doing buttholey things after two long years. I was just going to give him a flick on the forehead or something, but everyone turned to me with expectant eyes.

"Oh. I'm Siroun." If they were surprised I didn't give a last name, they didn't show it.

Per usual, I encouraged my bad habit of zoning out. Banana Kavaro, one of the girls on Kite's team, had a small dog that was intent on trying to lick every inch of my face. I entertained myself by trying to keep the damn rat off of me, much to both of the boys' amusement. I was just about to send it flying when the stocky man, who for some reason had bear ears, pulled out an interesting looking claw. It obviously belonged to something that I did _not _want to tangle with. At all.

Fun story: Killua thought it would be hilarious to put insects, which I have a crippling phobia of, in my bed. I don't get angry often, but that was about ten thousand steps too far. I super glued his hair to his pillow. That battle didn't end for a _very_ long time. And by very long I mean almost a year. Gon was caught up in the revenge on more than one occasion. Such a good sport.

After having that scarring memory brought up, I could only glare daggers at Killua. The rest of the group looked concerned at my sudden hatred, but the two boys just glanced off sheepishly.

It was determined that we'd be going to find some Chimera Ant specialist. I can't say I was happy. I hated the stupid bugs. The absolute last thing I needed were giant versions of that shit species.

"Hey, can we come with you?" Gon asked, as if it hadn't already been decided. Well, I had pretty much just assumed that they'd want us on our team…

Kite agreed, obviously.

"Having two pro Hunters with us is assuring," Spin, a pretty pink haired girl, said. Wait, _two? _

Killua, being the stupid idiot that he is, laughed out loud. Gon at least had the dignity to snicker.

"Three," I reminded, crossing my arms. I guess I was pretty quiet. But it wasn't my fault that they were boring.

"You're a Hunter, too?" She asked, her bubblegum popping onto her face. Served her right.

"What?" I spat. "Why wouldn't I be?" It wasn't like I was small, or weak. I mean, sure, I was a bit underweight for my age, but that was from years past. It _did_ make me look a bit sickly, especially combined with the fact that I was tall...But she didn't have to be rude. Soon everyone was chuckling.

"Sorry." She sounded like she meant it, so I forgave her. Killua was clutching his sides in laughter. Damned brat. If I didn't know how much he needed it, I would've punched the daylights out of him.

* * *

When we reached the car, it became obvious pretty quickly that there wasn't room for me. And me specifically, because I was the girl that everyone could ignore (apparently).

My choices were either to sit on someone's lap, which sure as hell wasn't going to happen, or to try and squeeze in _realllyyyyy _tight.

Much to Killua's annoyance, I chose the latter.

"Put your arms down!" I hissed quietly, trying to knock his elbows out of the way. He insisted on keeping them behind his head, as if it made him look cool. When we were so close that our knees were touching, he shouldn't have been thinking about trying to look cool. He should've been thinking about jumping out of the car to make room for the rest of us. He probably could've just run along side.

"Make me." It was a simple command that he whispered(the rest of the car was in the middle of a serious discussion about chimera ants), but it was all I needed. I turned my head to the left, where Gon sat on the other side of me.

"Hey, Gon," I said in a sing song voice. His brown eyes brightened.

"Yes?"

"Did you know that Killua says your name in-" My speech was stopped by a flick to my forehead. You wouldn't think it would hurt so much, but his fingers must've been made out of steel, because my eyes were nearly welling with tears. I let out a few curse words that would've made sailors gasp. Under my breath, of course, because the last thing I needed was everyone to think I was some vulgar freak. In reality, I'd learned them from Killua himself. Gon wasn't opposed to swearing, but his face was priceless whenever he heard a girl do it. That was probably how I picked up the habit.

"-his sleep," I finished, still clutching my head. The snow haired boy shot me a ferocious look.

Gon smiled.

"I know."

The car was well aware of our commotion at that point, though they were lost on what it was about. All they saw were Killua's and my shocked expressions, and Gon's overly cheery face.

And then it was my turn to clutch my sides laughing.

Revenge was sweet.


	3. A Turn for the Worse

**This chapter is dedicated to ****At Night We Rise. Happy (early?) Birthday!**

**A/N: I skipped some of the boring-er stuff. Basically the whole Pokkle and Ponzu thing, and the part where they analyze the claw. **

* * *

When Killua told us about his family, I'd thought he'd been exaggerating.

I was wrong.

Gon, Leorio, Kurapika, and I had all sat crowded together on the couch. I was tired and hungry and fed up with adventures already. But most of all, I was worried. Worried about how Killua was faring behind the scenes, because his family was obviously messed up. I had one cruel brother. He had an entire array of freaks that tracked his every move, trying to get him to kill. They weren't even lovable freaks. Illumi made me want to cry. Milluki made me want to vomit. His mom made me want to run.

And he'd lived with them for twelve years.

When he came out, covered in cuts and bruises, I couldn't smile. I'm not really sure how he did, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

So I just told him my name.

He paused in the middle of his reunion with Gon to give me a blank stare. And then a different kind of smile and a nod. I guess that was his thanks for my foul words during the Hunter Exam. He was his usual cocky self after that.

I was really glad when Gon and Killua offered to let me join them. Mostly because I was tired of being alone, and especially tired of not voicing my thoughts. And voice my thoughts I did. I was an entirely different person between the Hunter Exam and Heavens Arena.

I owe it to them.

* * *

The inside of the tree, in short, smelled like nature. The six of us who were able to pass through also smelled like nature. Gon and Killua were dressed completely differently, wearing long pants and airy fabric, instead of the shorts they normally donned.

I couldn't stop gaping at Gon's covered legs. I had _never _seen him without shorts. Killua I'd seen wearing pants. (And a few rather questionable outfits) But Gon always wore those weird ass shorts.

I couldn't really say too much, since I'd had to change as well. I was forced to wear practically the same thing as Killua, though my shirt was white, and my pants black. I felt naked in such loose pants, and my ears were empty without their usual piercings. I wasn't taking a liking to NGL, an already very suspicious country.

We were violated further by thorough x-rays, the likes of which I grumbled about the entire time.

And then, because apparently this country hated its guests, we had to ride horses across the dusty landscape. And because the world hated me, I had to share a horse with Killua.

The damn kid rode standing up. Who the hell even does that?

I kept trying to get him to sit down, because quite frankly, it was annoying to watch him show off (And he would hurt himself if he fell, but I didn't tell him that). But he just stuck his tongue out at me, ignoring all the curses I shot. Even on horseback, we managed to bicker. Actually, I was almost glad for that, because riding horses was slow and boring.

Thankfully, we came to a stop. Kite was staring at a slip of paper in his hands, motioning for us to come over. Killua and I jumped down, his feet barely avoiding the arm I reached out to trip him. That routine of tripping was almost mechanical after our prank war last year. I never seemed to get him.

Any amusement I was feeling faded once my eyes caught what was on the paper.

A warning of Chimera Ants, scrawled in blood.

Kite instructed the others to return to the border, to warn of the incoming danger.

"They won't be fast enough," Kite said, referring to the horses. He dismounted gracefully.

Oh no. Running. No.

"If you can't keep up, I'll leave you behind," Kite said, directing his words towards the three of us.

"Right back at you," Killua said confidently, stretching his legs.

"Shut up," I whined, not looking forward to running at all. That's not to say I wasn't good at it. In fact, I was pretty damn fast. Just too lazy for my own good.

We took off in an instant, leaving behind only a cloud of swirling dust. The speed made my head hurt, and my legs feel invisible. It always did, which is why I didn't like it. I felt like I wasn't even there.

Finally, Kite stopped, and having lost myself in thought, I almost ran into Gon. Almost. I dragged my feet into the ground to slow, placing my hands around his shoulders to brace the impact.

He didn't react, and I could soon see why. The dirt before us was dyed a deep red, the tattered remains of familiar clothing sunk into it.

It was the bee-keeper's, the one from the exam. Gon looked furious, his nose wrinkled in disgust. Killua, on the other hand, was calm enough to retrieve a bullet casing from the mess.

I wasn't sure how he did that - I was on the verge of panicking. If Ponzu, a professional hunter, was torn apart that easily, then we didn't stand a chance. _I _didn't stand a chance.

"So the underground rulers of NGL were manufacturing guns along with drugs." Kite crossed his arms, watching the bullet between Killua's fingers.

"W-Where did she go?" I asked, swallowing hard. I was almost too disturbed to speak. Frightened.

"This wasn't done by a human. It was a Chimera Ant," Kite explained, looking at me with worried eyes. Maybe not worry, but concern. I had to save face in order to keep going. I'd seen far worse, but nothing that happened to someone I knew. I'd torn people apart myself, but I wasn't a giant insect. There was a pretty distinct difference there.

"Does that mean that they've gotten to underground NGL?" I asked, my voice suddenly clear. I already knew the answer was yes. And I already knew that that was _very _bad news.

Kite nodded.

The situation was worse than I'd imagined. The prospect of fighting whatever had done that to Ponzu made me nervous. Very nervous. I wasn't exactly built heavily, or able to take multiple blows. I took a deep breath, shooting both Gon and Killua a fierce glance. Keeping my guard up was top priority.

No matter who I had to fight.

* * *

I smelled the horses before I saw them. They were stuck into the trees like pork on a spit, ready to be roasted. Except they weren't tiny pigs, they were extremely heavy animals, and the trees weren't small either. Whatever had done it was a monster.

"Calm down," Killua murmured to me, causing me to realize that I was rubbing my hands nervously. It was a minor tic, but two years together had let the two boys know whenever I was scared.

I dug my fingernails into my palms to hold still.

"Hey!" Something called out from behind us. I swiveled around to see the absolute ugliest creature I'd ever encountered. It had rat teeth, rabbit ears, and pink wings. And it dressed like a cage dancer in some weird bar. It was really hard to be frightened of a weird creature like that. I still managed.

"What _is _that?" Killua cried out, eyes wide. I couldn't blame him. That thing was a monstrosity, for sure. Not the kind I was picturing, but a monster nevertheless.

"Trash. Those are mine!" What. It thought we wanted the horses? I could've laughed right then. Except the tension in the air stifled any humor I had.

The thing charged at Kite in the blink of an eye, but Kite was far faster. He jumped out of the way, allowing the thing to attack us. What a dick move, Kite.

The tips of the thing's wings grazed my arms, and I was sent backwards several feet. The ache was instant, and I resisted the urge to cry out as I dug my feet into the ground. I gritted my teeth and checked to make sure my friends were alright. The sleeves of my shirt slipped down to cover the already forming bruises.

Meanwhile, Kite jumped out of the way again, this time landing behind the three of us.

"Gon...Killua...Siroun. You three must deal with him yourselves."

We nodded in agreement. I really wanted to knock off that thing's head.

The rat thing didn't like Kite's actions, and his face contorted into an even uglier shape.  
The nerve of him. He didn't think we were good enough.

I let nen coat my body, wincing at the gross feeling. I'd always thought it was too warm and liquidy, making me feel like I was underwater. I didn't like Ten at all. I much preferred concealing my presence. But I digress. The boys did the same, and we walked forward slowly. Dramatic effect is always better, right?

I made the first move, disappearing with speed, and reappearing to (try to) crack his skull with my shin. Except he caught my leg in midair, and I was thrown back several feet. My back hit the ground first, but I didn't let myself stay down with pain. I used the momentum of my fall to flip my body up. From the corner of my vision I watched as Killua and Gon attacked in succession, neither managing to land a solid blow.

"I guess it's time to test it out," Killua muttered before jumping several feet in the air, right above the rat thing's head. A crack of lightning connected with his outstretched finger, traveling down his arm perfectly before rushing into the rat thing. I winced. That had to hurt. I'd seen Killua practice the whole lightning thing before Greed Island, but it never ceased to amaze me. It was cool. I could do without the static it inflicted on my hair, but it was still cool.

Gon followed up with janken, which was similarly cool. I could only watch as the rat thing flew high into the sky, glad that he was finally going to die. But instead of falling back to the ground, he was caught in the talons of yet another thing that I didn't want to mess with.

He spat curses at us as he was carried away. None of our attacks had been able to do _anything. _

"I'm sorry-" I began, interrupted by Kite.

"If you wish to get stronger, now is the opportunity." What the hell did that even mean? I wasn't here to train, I was here to keep Chimera Ants from _eating _NGL.

"But I let my guard down. I didn't attack," I said, grabbing my bruised forearms in frustration. The pain helped to clear my head.

"It's not your fault, Siroun." Gon looked fierce, his face hardened in thought. It was worrying to think that their combined attacks weren't enough, but I let out a quick sigh and tried to dismiss the fear.

"What was that thing that carried him away?" I asked, rolling my shoulders. Even after that short fight, my body was riddled with bruises and overtaken by soreness.

"A squadron leader. He let his soldier get attacked so he could figure out our powers."

"Smart." Killua mumbled the word, bringing a hand to his chin.

"You just need experience now. Whether we win or lose, hell lies ahead of us," Kite said, lifting his head with wide eyes.

Gon and Killua straightened up, but I slouched down further. Since the beginning, all anyone ever said was that we needed experience. I was sick of hearing it.

I furrowed my brow, glaring at the grossly slaughtered horses. We had a challenge ahead of us. That much I knew.

* * *

Back in Heavens Arena, I had the easiest time learning nen. I tricked the boys into thinking it was just because I was a natural prodigy, but the reality is that I spent all night long training. I never stopped. I worked harder than both of them combined.

And I did it because they were stronger, because there was no way in hell I was going to be a burden. Because I needed to be able to fight opponents that were ten times stronger than me and not die.

I'm a manipulator.

I remember doing water divination, and watching as the leaf moved ever so slightly. And then watching the second time, when the leaf sank to the bottom of the glass in about less than a second. Wing looked terrified. I was smiling. All the hard work I'd done actually paid off.

When we developed our individual powers before entering Greed Island, I was at a complete loss on what to do. Shalnark's powers, although used for not very good things, were impressive to me. But not exactly what I wanted.

Kurapika was helpful in deciding.

But I didn't let him in on any of the conditions, or restrictions and whatnot. I was the only one who knew about any of those.

He wouldn't have let me keep them, anyway.

* * *

**A/N: Sorry if this chapter was weird or not as interesting as the other two. I had a bit of writer's block. But hey, I tried?**

**KilluaLovess: No, there's no KiruGon. As for Killua x OC, I'm not entirely sure, but I'll try. I suck at writing romance, but I kinda want them to be together...****¯\\_(****ツ****)_/¯**


	4. Inferior

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews! They're a great motivator. **

* * *

It was quiet, warm. Above us, the stars glistened and twinkled, my eyes tracing constellations between them. Gon talked about his mother; Killua admitted his aimlessness. Gon had told us to stick with him, asked us if we had fun together. Of course, we nodded. But it felt wrong to tell him yes. Not because I wasn't enjoying myself, or didn't like them.

It was because I'd left my mother alone. My brother's company didn't count for much.

Technically, I was still running, and every step I made with them was a step away from my family. Away from home. If she died, I wouldn't know. If he killed her, I wouldn't know.

I laid my head on my knees, heart heavy.

It was easiest to just forget home and follow them.

* * *

Our footsteps echoed in the dark hall (except Killua's - they were always silent). The stench of blood hung heavily in the air. My stomach was turning with fear and anger, my eyes darting around in paranoia.

I clenched my fists when I heard the rattling of chains. Another one of those _things _stepped out, his body reminiscent of a horse. Two humans crawled on the ground before him, naked and screaming for help. I couldn't hold back the shudder of disgust that ripped through me.

I didn't hear anything they said, didn't register anything that happened other than the cracking of the ant's hoof into the human's head. Hot bile rose in my throat, downed only by pure willpower.

Gon's aura spiked, his rage and disgust visible. Once again, Killua was the calm one.

I looked to him for reassurance, his relaxed state always seeming to have a similar effect on me.

The chimera ant laughed, obviously proud of himself for slaughtering two innocent humans. For humiliating them. Three more of his kind emerged from the darkness, a busty female, a multi-legged _thing, _and something that resembled a mix between a gorilla and a spider.

They all charged at once, Killua taking the first, Gon the second, and I the third.

The rush of wind was enough to blur my vision, the gorilla's powerful legs pushing him far. But I was prepared, my hands at my sides, arms slicing through the air. He swung three muscled arms at me, missing on all accounts.

I skidded back a bit, the flat shoes that we'd been forced to buy not very good for stopping movement. My opponent took the opportunity to strike again, two arms from either side. I was forced to jump into the air. I just barely escaped his blow.

"Heh. You're a quick one," he said, voice deep and booming. I could hear the ruckus from my friends' fights nearby, but looking would be too costly.

"And you're a fat one," I muttered back, arms raised before me. His face fell into a serious demeanor. Mental note: Spider Gorillas do not like to be insulted about their weight.

He charged head on, his speed increasing. I side stepped, sending my fist into his waist. The most I got out of that hit was a muted _umph _from the gorilla I had so fondly nicknamed 'Tubby'.

I decided right then and there that I wasn't winning without nen. Hell, I didn't stand a chance without it. Utilizing his momentary pause, I darted around to his other side. Tubby's soft underbelly was vulnerable, his arms still raised in a speed that was far too slow.

All I needed was a small amount of blood, barely more than a drop. Keeping my face stony, I poked a couple fingers into his stomach. It wasn't much, but it drew a bit of...blue?

Of course their blood was different. I leaped back several feet, hand soaking wet and dyed blue.

"Weak human," Tubby sneered. "I didn't even feel that." He flared his nostrils. I didn't bother responding; I already had to talk to a beast on a daily basis. One with fluffy white hair and a horribly entertaining personality.

In an instant, I slashed my hand over my own wrist, normal colored blood spilling out.

That meant both minor conditions were fulfilled; Tubby was mine to manipulate.

He looked confused, taking a break to stare at me in wonderment. I'd be confused if he'd injured himself, too. That was the beauty of my 'power'. Taking advantage of his confusion, I bent down, dipping my nen-infused finger into my own blood. My hands were steady as I scrawled words with red.

_Detach your head,_ they said. Tubby complied easily, slumping to the ground an empty husk.

More of his blue blood spurted everywhere, mingling with the words on the ground and dusting my face.

I wiped the contaminants from my skin with the edge of my sleeve. I'd be needing some new clothes very soon. And some medical equipment. An infected wound would be a dumb way to die, especially when surrounded by man eating creatures.

Looking around, I noticed that Gon was still fighting the multi-legged man, Killua done with his battle. Kite was staring down the centaur. With one hand clutching my wrist, I shuffled over to Killua. He was watching Gon's fight intently, hands in pockets.

"The chimera ants don't seem _that _bad," I whispered, tearing the fabric from the bottoms of my pants.

He glanced down at me disapprovingly. "You had to use nen?"

I stuck out my lower lip, wrapping the cloth around my bleeding wrist. "Shut up."

His eyes stared at me waveringly for a second before darting away. They were distressed.

"What?" I asked, pulling the makeshift bandage tight with my teeth. The last thing I needed was Killua's attitude, and it bugged me when he kept things secret.

"What do you mean 'what'?"

"You gave me a look!" I stuck my hands on my hips.

"No I didn't."

"You so did!"

The two of us were arguing while Gon was battling it out. We didn't even bother whispering anymore.

"Did not."

"Can you just tell me?"

"There's nothing to tell."

I harrumphed, blowing away strands of dark hair that fell into my eyes. He looked pleased with himself for irritating me.

"Stupid Snowy," I grumbled, using the nickname I knew he hated.

"I told you not to call me that!" It definitely succeeded in making him mad. He flung his hands back, arms locked, eyes narrowed. I had his attention.

"Sorry, _Snowy_."

"Yeah, well your name is…" he paused, flustered. "Bleedy!"

"Bleedy? Really?" I rolled my eyes. More often than not, it was true that I was covered in blood. How was I supposed to change that? It's a nen requirement; being a manipulator is tough.

But I couldn't stay annoyed. I laughed slightly at his dumb nickname, and even more at the pissed off look he gave me. He might've been a spoiled brat, but he was my friend the spoiled brat, and he was fun to mess with.

* * *

We were running again, my nerves going haywire. Each time my feet hit the ground, a new worrisome thought popped up into my head. I'll admit it: I was a bit of a coward. Not that I wouldn't stand and face my opponent, but I freaked out about everything before hand. Maybe it was anxiety, maybe it was just me being me. Either way, I had a bad case of the chills as we ran through the forest.

My fears were confirmed when we landed ourselves right in the middle of a Chimera Ant battle royale. Gon went first, and I resisted the urge to warn him not to. It's not like he would listen anyway. He hadn't listened to me when I warned him not to go for Hisoka's badge, he hadn't listened to me when I warned him about fighting Gido with insufficient nen, and he definitely hadn't listened to me when I told him not to fight the Bomber. Those things inevitably worked out for him, but so what?

I'm still right about how stupid those decisions were.

So I watched as he crushed the Chimera Ant's shell with brute force, a nasty crack ringing out.

I was kinda glad when Kite wiped out the remaining baddies in one go. It meant I wouldn't have to fight, which meant that I wouldn't end up as food for a supremely ugly creature. I mean, I at least deserve to be devoured by something beautiful.

But sometimes the most beautiful things are, well….the _scariest. _

Neferpitou was there in an instant, claiming Kite's arm as her prize. I fought back a scream as I stared into her horrifyingly vibrant eyes. Her aura was insane, swirling out in wild tendrils and pulsing with the beat of my heart. It was soon met with another aura - Gon was angrier than I'd ever seen him. There was no time to think as Killua snapped his hand against our friend's neck. Together, we sprinted for dear life, feeling the cat woman's sick grin behind us.

* * *

Killua and I were still running long past when we needed to be. The terrain was vaguely familiar, my sharp vision picking up small marks that I recognized. But the rush of blood to my head kept me permanently disoriented. I just hoped that Killua was sure of where we were going, that he knew the way even in fear.

It was a while before I realized that he was beginning to slow. Gon was heavy, and he showed no signs of stirring. I decreased speed as well, wary of danger, but not wanting to leave Killua behind. He flashed me something similiar to a grateful smile, his eyes still full of emotional shock. I couldn't blame him; I was reeling from the effects, too.

We finally made it back to NGL's tree entrance, my lungs on the verge of collapsing both from panic and exhaustion. I wasn't sure how Killua was faring; if I'd had to carry Gon, I would've died. Literally. Pitou would've snatched us both.

"Killua," I huffed out, watching from a short distance as he lowered Gon down against the tree. He then slumped down next to the unconscious boy, resting his head in his arms. That broke my heart. Further.

Deeply bothered, I settled down next to my two friends. Neither of them were responsive. Both were hurt.

I didn't blame Gon for being so upset; Kite was his mentor, the man who sparked his dream. I didn't blame Killua for being upset, either. I felt the same way. The two of us had run like the smart fools we were, left with guilt and a horrible empty feeling.

I knew that Kite was dead. It was obvious - painful, but obvious. There was no way in hell we could ever make up for abandoning him, no way to repay Gon. Or so I thought.

Hot tears began to burn in my eyes, my chest pained with heaviness and emptiness all the same. The two of us remained silent as we sat against the three marking NGL's border. All I could think of was Kite's face, so brave. Of Gon's willingness to risk himself. Of my own cowardice.

No, I wouldn't let myself cry. I wiped my wet eyes with a dirty sleeve, sitting up straight against the tree.

I at least owed it to Gon to be strong.

I was still sitting straight when a truck pulled up to the tree, covered in tarp, and blowing dust everywhere. Bits of sand flew into my face but I ignored them. I was too tired to care. Netero stepped out of the vehicle, his face already morphed into a whimsical expression. He was followed by Morel and Knov, who I didn't know at the time, and thought looked pretty scary.

The three of them stood before us, all unimpressed.

"What's this? They're just kids," Morel said. I snarled involuntarily. "If you're here to play, you'll get burned. Go back home."

"Stop it Morel," Knov said in as condescending a tone as possible. "That isn't nice. They're only children."

I rose, the blood in my face hot. My fists were clenched weakly, my teeth gritted. Netero let out a small chuckle, eyes directed at Killua.

"You look defeated. Was the enemy really that strong?"

Yes. Yes yes yes yes. A thousand times yes. In all my life, I'd never experienced anything as frightening as whatever that was. Neferpitou was the strongest thing I knew.

Killua said exactly what I was thinking, even going so far as to say he didn't think that Netero himself could beat Pitou. I secretly agreed.

Knov dismissed us, telling us to go lie in bed. I almost lost it right there. I would've screamed and shouted and stood up for myself and done something, but I was so utterly _tired_. And honestly, I was a little broken. Some part of me wanted nothing more than to follow his instructions and rest.

The both of us received a long lecture from Morel on how nen can be surprising and you never know who's gonna win. I tuned out. He called us losers for running and I couldn't help but hang my head. He was right.

"Is Gon asleep?" Netero asked.

"No," I replied curtly, avoiding eye contact.

"He was going to attack the enemy," Killua explained with a calm tone. "So I used force to stop him. I didn't have time to control my strength, so I don't know when he'll wake up." Everything suddenly felt so much less childish. The games felt like they were over; the expression on Killua's face proved it.

"That kid shows some promise, then." My breath caught with Morel's words. Every muscled in my body tensed, my nails digging into my palms once again. Those words hurt.

"If we send fighters who aren't strong enough, they'll only strengthen the enemy," Netero said with a false tone of kindness. That was the second blow to my ego. I was just about to collapse where I stood; the emotional stress was too much. It felt like someone was squeezing my lungs and rattling my brain. It was unreal.

"Understand?" Netero confirmed.

"Yeah," Killua muttered. The old man turned to me, looking expectant.

"Sure," I bit out, eyebrows furrowed and every ounce of attitude I could muster forced into the word.

Netero chuckled. At least someone was getting amusement out of it.

* * *

The way back was quiet, the inside of the tarped vehicle dark and musty. Gon was laying on the floor, a blanket wrapped around his body. He looked so small, so helpless.

In my hand was one of the tokens the old man had thrown back. I rubbed my thumb over the splintered wood, examining it like it held some sort of clue. A wave of shock rippled through me when the wood became wet. Rain? No, that was a dumb idea. _Tears._ Tears were running from my eyes, silent and fast. I hadn't even felt them fall, but I became aware of the hot feeling on my cheeks.

Killua said nothing, resting a tentative hand on my back. It was a small gesture, but to the two of us, it meant a lot. I let the water run freely as the silver haired boy provided some sort of comfort.

I'd never felt so inferior in my entire life.


	5. Dumb Biscuit

**A/N: This chapter's kind of...lacking, but I wanted to update since it's been a while. **

**Hope you enjoy!  
Also, I have a question: Should I skip ahead in the story, and if so, to where?**

* * *

You have absolutely no idea how awful it felt to watch Gon declare that Kite was alive. Well, I didn't realize that I hated it at the time, but now that I look back, it sucked. My gut was twisting around, my brain trying to tell me that it was obvious that Kite couldn't be alive and that Gon was going to have to face that fact. But who needs logic? Not Gon.

"I'm sure you're right!" I said despite myself, holding the black haired boy's hand tightly. Killua snorted, looking miffed. God knows why. He was always pissed, it seemed.

"Unlike you to be the positive one," he said lowly. I rolled my eyes before going back to staring at Gon. The three of us stayed that way for a while, quiet and calm, basking in the glow of the sunlight. It was the first peace we'd had in a long while. The first rest. And all I could think about were giant humanoid insects. Great.

* * *

When I was nine, I had a revelation. Nothing big, like the secrets of the universe, but a minor revelation.

I'm a coward.

I always heard about these heroes who would dive into battle to save innocents, or risk their own lives for their lovers. And I always wondered how they could be so _stupid. _Why would they throw themselves away? Why wouldn't they just run and get somewhere safe?

I hated myself for asking those questions, but I kind of already knew what pain was like. What was the point in suffering more if you didn't have to?

Well, I didn't understand the answer until I made friends.

Sounds corny, right? It is. But it's true. I wanted to make it up to them, to die for them, or risk my life.

That's a dangerous wish, especially for a coward.

* * *

I didn't take my eyes off of Palm, monitoring her fingers that ever so clumsily poured sugar into more sugar - no, that drink couldn't be called coffee anymore. Even Killua, who had the biggest sweet tooth ever, looked put off. I couldn't help but silently giggle at his expression.

"Don't worry, Palm! We'll defeat Shoot and Knuckle!" Gon said, Killua and I too shocked after her weird rambling to respond. I was vaguely aware that she'd half asked for help, half threatened us. I wasn't messing with that; she was batshit crazy. It didn't matter though, because there were only two assassins. That meant that I was free to do whatever the hell I wanted.

Gon and Killua seemed pretty capable of handling the situation, anyway. I wasn't too worried.  
If I could leave something to them and be lazy for once, then I most certainly would. A little relaxation never hurt anyone.

I was wrong. I realized that while staring at the spilled coffee all over the table. Palm was crazier than I'd anticipated, her eyes wide and hair on end. We were going to die, that much I was sure of. And it wasn't even going to be by the hands of Shoot and Knuckle. She was going to do it herself.

I shot my silver haired friend a mortified look and he returned it with an uneasy shrug.

Boy was my mortified expression deepened when we opened the hotel door to find none other than freaking Biscuit. She cheered and jumped for joy and wrapped her arms around me in an overly polite hug. I just stood there, dumbfounded. Noooooooooooo. I didn't _want _to train anymore. I was going to get a break. I didn't even have to fight!

"I called on her for some extra training," Palm explained, her soothing voice contrasting her words. I wanted to fucking rip Palm's head off. Instead, I gave her a weak smile and a piercing glare. How I managed both at the same time, I'll never know. But the point seemed to get across.

"Ohh, Sirounnnnn!" Bisky drew out the syllables on my name so horribly, moving me around like a ragdoll. Yeah, fun little story. Biscuit thought I was some kind of Barbie for her to play with and dress up. She even tried to engage in 'girl talk' with me while at Greed Island.

"So, who do you like?" She'd asked me, Gon busy doing his own training, and Killua measuring out a rock to trap the bomber. I'd nearly choked on on my own spit.

"Like?!" I'd repeated.

"Is it Gon?" She'd asked. "He's such a sweetheart."

That suggestion was immediately shot down.

"Well how about Killua?"

That suggestion was immediately shot down, although Bisky had raised one eyebrow like she didn't believe me. Stupid old hag.

Anyway, back to what was happening. Biscuit was jerking me around while Gon watched, eyes half lidded. Killua was snickering like the little brat he was. I made a mental note to kill him later.

* * *

Nen. Nen. Nen. That was all we did. We stood up, exuding nen for as long as we could, and then passing out afterwards. It was in the middle of the night when I finally woke up, aware of the fact that Bisky had helped to rejuvenate each of us in turn. My slash marks were healed, and a tentative touch to my brown hair revealed that it was washed and smelling like fresh citrus.

I lifted my head, finding that I was still on the floor. The room was dark and I couldn't see anyone else from my position, so I assumed that Biscuit and Palm had left. A glance to my right revealed the fact that Killua was wide awake, eyes focused on the ceiling. He looked distressed.

"Go to sleep," I mumbled tiredly, reaching out an arm to pinch his cheek. To my surprise, he let me, expression void as I clutched his pale flesh in my hands. That was alarming. I sat up fully and moved my body to face him. A quick check revealed that Gon was sound asleep. _Good. He needs rest. _

"Okay, what's wrong?" I demanded, sitting indian style beside him. His eyes drifted close and he rolled himself around so I had a clear view of his back.

"Nothing's wrong. Go to sleep."

I let out an obvious but quiet sigh, laying back down with a _thump._

"You're so goddamn moody," I complained, closing my eyes as well. "Snowy," I added.  
I could've sworn I heard him sniffle.

I just pretended it was a laugh.


	6. Killaroun Begins

**A/N: So, I'm not great at long chapters, but I tried to make up for it with Killua. Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

"You want to _what?!_" I said, eyes wide in shock, trying not to burst out laughing.

"Don't give me that look!" He snapped his fingers. "This is the last time I'll say it: I need you to help me trail Gon and Palm."

"That doesn't clear anything up!" I waved my hands in the air in frustration. We were in the hotel lobby, Gon still in the room. When Killua had called me down to ask me something, I'd thought he'd suggest another prank. This was way more fun.

"I'm not letting him go on a date with that psychopath!"

I wiggled my eyebrows and shot him my most aggravating look. "Sounds like someone's jealous."

"Shut up."

A heavy, over dramaticized sigh escaped my mouth, my hands resting on my hips.

"Fine. I'll do it."

"Really?" For a second he looked really happy but he must have realized, because he morphed his face into a bored expression. "I mean...that's cool."

"You're an idiot," I said inbetween laughs. He scoffed and followed me back upstairs.

* * *

Killua had to put his hand over my mouth because every time we were trying to hide, I would laugh at his dumb hat. We were sitting at an outdoor table, a cup of coffee clutched in my hands, Killua's eyes wandering over to the strange couple we'd been following for what seemed like hours.

Finally, he turned to face me, holding up a menu so we wouldn't be spotted.

"Hold my hand," he said. I blinked.

"What?"

He gritted his teeth and stared into my eyes. "Look, I don't want to either, but we have to make this more believable. People are noticing us."

"It's your stupid hat!" I cried out, failing to realize what a bad excuse Killua was using. Probably because I was using it as an excuse, too.

"Just do it!" He stretched out pale fingers, palm up, cheeks stained red. Not so reluctantly, I placed my hand in his, stopping myself from recoiling at the cold.

"You're freezing!" I cried out, immediately latching on to try to warm him. He seemed shocked by that, and to be honest, I was too. A bold move from Siroun.

"Y-y-you don't have to do that!" He hissed, eyes wide. "I'm not actually cold," he added much more quietly.

"Shut up."

For a while, we just stayed like that, both of us trying to distract ourselves from the fact that we still clung to each other. But it wasn't working very well; anyone could see that we were both embarrassed. Even so, I have to admit that I enjoyed it.

He pulled his hand away abruptly, shooting up in his seat.

"Damnit, they're moving again," he bit, darting away without any concern for me. I rolled my eyes and followed, racing behind him on the sidewalk.

I wasn't sure why I was even still following him, but Killua was like that. Magnetic, almost.

Maybe it was just me.

"Oi, idiot!" He called over his shoulder. "Hurry up!"

I scowled and walked slower.

* * *

He told me to wait, to watch Gon and Palm while he stopped whatever the threat was. But that was almost impossible. Besides, they were doing fine, talking about a tree or something, and giving each other lovey eyes. It was hella creepy, but who was I to judge - I hung around a pale assassin kid.

Humming quietly to myself, I breezed through the forest. Plants scraped against my legs and sticks cracked under my feet; I didn't have Killua's silent step, and I was glad for so. I knew wholeheartedly what he went through. Nothing is worth that.

Noises to my left stopped me, and I dug my feet into the ground to stop.

There he was, white hair shining in the moonlight, red spurting from his forehead. My body froze.

_Stay calm, stay calm, stay calm. _

_**Stay calm. **_

He was saying something inaudible, tears drifting down his cheeks.

Rat Dude was pissed, running at Killua without hesitation. But Snowy was faster, and in less than a second, the chimera ant was dead.

A smile spread across my face. _Of course he's okay - it's Killua. _

Still grinning, I stepped back, my foot landing on a particularly loud stick.

Shit.

His gaze snapped to me, holding firm.

"Siroun?"

"Yes?"

"I told you to watch Gon!"

"...Yeah," I muttered, defeated.

To my surprise, he just let out a small laugh. It was fucking adorable, though I hated to admit it. I could see through the moonlight that his blue eyes lit up, his teeth glinting.

"Let's go."

"Y-yeah," I agreed, shell shocked.

_Well, he's in a good mood. _

Confused and pleasantly surprised, I followed him back to our friend.

I wish I'd really known - it kills me now that I understand. But then again, if I _had_ really known what was going on, I would've lost any shred of hope I had left. Everything would've made painful sense.

Even then, I guess you could say I was a little down.

On the bright side, Bisky's training really was working; I felt in much better shape than before.

On the downside, Palm was fucking crazy. We managed to run out of the hotel with Gon, but only barely. Killua even had to carry him.

Still, I couldn't help but smile a little, watching my two friends dashing away beside me. It was almost like the games of tag my brother and I would play in the times before….

Well, before he changed.

It seemed like I was always watching from the distance, looking in on them, but unable to join. I wasn't jealous - far from it.

I was simply desolate. But following them was my lifestyle, their smiles the strength to keep me going. I knew that we could conquer the chimera ants deep down, even if my more shallow mindset had doubts.

* * *

Everything up until this point of the story has almost been like... a _prologue_. You see, things only _really _began when we set foot in NGL for the second time. The start of a war.

Killua suggested splitting up in preparation for the attack. Shifting from foot to foot, I pulled ash colored hair into a ponytail.

"Right," I said, a bitter taste in my mouth. "I'll go with Killua then."

He whipped his head around, eyes narrowing. "Are you sure you can keep up?"

I harrumphed and crossed my arms. "Probably." _Not entirely….at all._

He raised one eyebrow but didn't say anything, turning to Gon instead.

"I guess this is goodbye for now." The two of them nodded, an unspoken 'be safe'.

I wasn't going for that silent crap.

Sighing, I pulled Gon into a hug, squeezing him tightly. With my head in the crook of his neck, I whispered softly, "_Be careful. _I love you too much to lose you." He froze for a second and then gently wiggled out of my grip. He wasn't surprised by my saying that I loved him - I always said that; he was surprised that I was so worried, I guess.

"You sound like Aunt Mito!" He laughed. "Don't worry, I'll be fine."

"Bye!"

We waved at each other, Killua and I watching as he darted off in the other direction. As soon as he was gone for sure, the white haired boy turned to face me with a pout.

"Why do you say that?"

"Say what?"

"That you love him." He tried to jam his hands into his pockets until he realized he didn't have any.

I stared at him with amusement before breaking the silence with a small laugh.

"You're fucking weird," I said.

"I'm just saying," he drawled slightly. "You never tell anyone else you love them. Maybe Siroun has a little crush on Gon~"

I punched him in the shoulder. "God, don't make it weird Killua," I tried to say through my stupid flustered haze.

He just laughed, obviously proud of himself for making me embarrassed.

"Shut up, you idiot," I snapped. "Let's just go."

He complied, thank God, the both of us taking off as quickly as possible.

* * *

**A/N: Abrupt ending, I know. So I plan to maybe make this a fifteen or so chapter story and then have a reallllyyyy long 'epilogue'. Basically I want to cover canon ground then skip ahead to when they're older. I hope that works out...I'm not sure if I'll be able to keep my focus on this story for that long….Well anyway, hope you liked it and I'll try to update soon!**


	7. Accidents Happen

**Sorry for taking so long to update :/ I made this chapter a bit longer as compensation. Beware of super angst.**

* * *

In those days, it was easy for me to feel so desolate, even when surrounded by people that wanted nothing more than to help me. Maybe it was how easily Gon was drifting away. How numb Killua acted.

I was tired, too. Tired of seeing people die before me. Tired of seeing large humanoid insects die. The last one doesn't sound as poetic, though.

I was so tired that I actually thought I might pass out, running from village to village, trying to warn everyone of the stupid impending doom. Yeah, I held a bit of anger about the whole situation. Killua can probably attest to that. I swore at those damn bugs the entire time, using the harsh words to wake myself up. But it didn't work for long. Dark thoughts of Kite - the lifeless doll edition - seeped into my mind. I didn't know the guy very well, and frankly, he kind of got on my nerves.

But it hurts to see anyone go.

"You're slowing down," he said, falling back to glare at me. "Whatever's on your mind, ignore it. This whole thing is bigger than just us."

OUCH. He was right, and although the words stung a bit, I was thick skinned and pigheaded. His advice only fueled me.

"Yeah, yeah. I know, mom."

He rolled his eyes and bolted forward again, my legs working to match his pace.

* * *

It wasn't long before we arrived in the first village, ushering people out with under exaggerated warnings of danger. They seemed to believe us.

Then everything kind of went to hell when the soldiers started coming out. Martial Law screwed with the citizens' heads, either made them think that we were lying or scared them enough to keep them in place.

The whole memory is kind of a blur to me, but I remember so much of my favorite activity: running. So much of it. So much. The morning is much clearer in my mind. Especially when we first noticed that flying bastard following us.

"Hey, Killua-"

"Yeah, I know. We'll head for the forest."

Without warning, he jumped from the cliff and I was left to follow, sighing and rolling my eyes the entire time. At least we'd be out of danger, right?

Wrong. Even in the forest, we were assaulted by chimera ants, like a whole swarm of them.

Together, we worked to take them out in record time. It's funny, even at the age of fourteen, I still narrated silly combos and fighting moves in my head. It reminded me of the games I would play as a kid, with the finishing blows and whatnot.

But really stepping into the fight is so much different. You become absorbed, sucked in. Your concentration heightens, your focus is at an all time high. And you can't forget the rush. It leaves you so satisfied but also longing for more. Every kick, every well placed punch. The impact left me in loads of pain but left them in even more.

Killua had to call my name several times to break me from my trance, mind stuck as I finished the last at in a blur.

"We have to follow him." He pointed to the sky, where the winged bastard was smugly drifting.

"Right!"

We did just that, speeding through the forest now that the literal pests were taken care of. I was breathing harshly, and my knuckles burned from where the skin had been ripped off.

My tolerance was lower than Gon and Killua's, considering the fact that I wasn't a freak of nature like them. But honestly, I wasn't at my physical peak. I will never be as gifted.

My legs were beginning to slow again, my movements becoming sluggish with the combined efforts of battle and so much damn running.

"Watch ou-"

Intense pain ripped through my intestines, the momentum enough to throw me backward. Blood dribbled out of my mouth as I fell to the ground. Still, I didn't cry out, didn't stay down for long. I was on my feet as soon as my movements were unlocked.

"What the fuck was that?" I muttered, looking on the ground behind me for the bullet that I suspected. Instead I found a giant flea.

"Is there anything that doesn't have to do with insects in this shitty country?" I spat more blood onto the ground. Luckily, my tolerance for pain was great, so I would never have to worry in that aspect.

"Siroun! Go follow the spy!"

That little white haired bastard. I actually thought that he'd be worried, but _noooo_. He wanted me to track down the 'spy'. I knew I had no right to complain. Of course I was alright; it was just a fucking _bullet wound_.

I traced back to his words in my head, rolled my eyes for the umpteenth time that day, and then followed his command, which was completely and entirely useless.

I tried to follow the winged bastard but he was both faster, and actually knew where he was going. After a pretty long time of trying to track him, I found myself way outside of the forest and very sure that I was never going to find him.

I gave up and bolted back, desperately hoping that Killua was okay.

* * *

I watched his form on the bed, still covered with blood, his chest barely rising. He was almost dead, and I couldn't do anything. Ikalgo stared at me warily as I rested my head against the wall. I'd never felt more useless, or empty inside. If he didn't make it...I wasn't sure what I would do. But I couldn't cry, a fact I wasn't glad for anymore. I doubled over in the chair, pulling at my hair stressfully.

"He'll be fine," Ikalgo said flatly. He sounded honest, like he believed himself. But I was skeptical, stuck in an endless cycle of blaming myself. If he didn't make it out, it was my fault. What would I say to Gon? What would I do without him?

With legs the weight of lead, I stood up, wandering away despite Ikalgo's protests. The bathroom. Gotta find the bathroom.

I pushed open the heavy door, not really taking note of my surroundings. The plaque on the door said it was the women's bathroom, and that was all I needed. With shaking fingers, I locked the door. Everything hurt, but not physically.

Shuddering, I wrapped my hands around the sink basin, clenching it weakly as I stared into the mirror. My eyes looked dead. My hair fell in messy wisps, caked with blood and grime. My normally tan skin was a deathly pale.

I looked about as bad as I felt, if that was possible.

Anything. I would've given anything to trade places with Killua. To bear his burdens and take his hospital bed. Or to switch with Gon, and carry his wrath, his loss. Maybe I was already shouldering both of them. No. I dismissed the thought. Whatever they were going through was ten times worse than anything I could feel.

I felt warmth in my hands and looked down to see red. I'd cracked the ceramic basin, shards stuck into my palms. Sighing deeply, I walked out of the freezing bathroom, ignoring the blood that dribbled down my fingers.

When I'd found the two of them in that cave, I'd collapsed. That couldn't happen again, no matter the circumstance.

I was so inconceivably mad at myself, full of regret.

Mind slightly numb, I made my way back to Killua's bedside.

"You're bleeding!" Ikalgo said. I ignored him, focusing on Killua's somehow even whiter than normal face. His lips were discolored.

I didn't break away my stare, even while Ikalgo bandaged my hands clumsily. His suction cups kept getting stuck to the gauze. It was pretty funny, actually, and I'm sure I would've been on the floor with laughter if I weren't so worried.

"Ikalgo," I finally said.

He looked up, just tying the ends on my bandages.

"I'm such a coward." The words slid out of my mouth accompanied by a slight smile. This whole description of events doesn't make me sound the most sane, but if you believe everything about the ants earnestly, then I'm sure you're not the most sane either. Trauma and stress do a lot to a person's mental state.

"Huh? No! Listen, Siroun, I don't know you very well, but anyone who has the courage to-"

"It's okay. I didn't mean to make you worry. You seem like a nice guy."

He didn't respond, but I know that if I'd turned to look at his face, it would've been very distressed.

I should've killed him.

The thought shocked me into sitting up straight. It was right, though. Natural logic and common sense should've driven anyone to kill the chimera ant next to your dying friend.  
Was that the cowardice again? No it was my selfishness. I'd lost by breaking down.

I would just have to build myself up stronger.

A bit dazed, I slipped my hand under my shirt to feel the bandage there. Luckily, the flea bullet hadn't done much other than puncture a hole through my front. It was all superficial damage. Satisfied that my wounds were taken care of, I rested my head on the edge of his bed.

It took only seconds for me to drift into a deep sleep.

* * *

I dreamt of the arena.

In particular, I was forced to experience my first battle in the two hundreds once more.

My heart was pounding ever so hard against my rib cage, my hands tucked safely into the sleeves of my overly large sweater. I looked so weak and helpless, batting long lashes and taking advantage of the fact that I was still short back then.

The man before me had an uneasy expression, probably not wanting to kick the ass of a young girl. I already had a street knife hidden in my pocket, should I need it. I figured I wouldn't, seeing as he was being really cautious.

"Ladies and gentlemen! It's the fight you've all been waiting for! The little girl who's made it to the top, Siroun, and the brilliant fighter, Watanabe!"

The crowd went wild, probably already anticipating that I would beat him up. Poor Watanabe was too stupid to realize.

"I hope to have a fair fight!" I declared before the buzzer sounded, just managing to jump to a safe distance before he could lunge at me. So he wasn't so afraid of hitting me after all.

I went ahead and pulled out the knife. It would make it easier to test my budding idea. Using surprising speed, I darted forward and slashed out at his side.

I swear, all I was going to do was take a small blood sample, see if I could control him by learning it. It was the beginning of my current nen abilities. It was what I would refine with Kurapika's help later.

But I overshot, or he leaned into it, or something. And the dopey faced man writhed on the floor, burdened with agony I can only imagine.

I'd sliced a chunk out of his side.

The whole arena saw me as nothing but a monster.

I saw me as nothing but a monster.

It was confirmed by the rich scent of blood, by the red stained knife in my hand, by the sinking feeling in my chest. I'd killed someone in cold blood and I hadn't even meant to. I had taken his life by _accident. _

I managed to play it off, tucking my blade back into my clothes and hopping down to the tiled floor. Everything was silent as I walked out. And then the stadium, full of bloodthirsty audience members, went wild.

It had been just the slightest movement, but it contorted my psyche, warped my mind with guilt. I hadn't meant to, and that was was I repeated over and over as I ran to my room. Gon and Killua were close behind, chasing after me, but I wanted to be alone.

Had I misjudged his strength?

Did I just use too much force?

No...I knew it was different. I'd done it on purpose. Somewhere, deep inside of me, something had told me to act.

So why was I so unhappy?

"Siroun!" I could hear Killua's voice, beckoning me to turn back.

"Siroun!" No, I wouldn't turn. I couldn't face them.

"Siroun!"

I jolted awake, finding Killua poking my cheek with his finger.

"Geez. Finally," he muttered, looking relieved despite his words.

Stupid me was unable to restrain my stupid self, wrapping my arms around his neck, holding him close for just a few seconds. His skin was still colder than it should've been, icy to the touch even. But it felt nice. It felt so nice to me right then.

He seemed shell shocked, and when I pulled back, his face was tinted with red. I silently fist pumped at the prospect of embarrassing him.

"Oi, what was that for!?"

"What do you mean what was that for! I found you, half-dead, making buddies with seafood! Of course I was worried!"

"He's not seafood! And I wasn't half-dead!"

"Really, cause it sure as hell seemed like it to me! You were asleep for two days, Killua! Who's the Bleedy now!"

Our aggressive shouting had turned almost every head in the shady hospital room to us. Now my face was the heated one.

"Sorry," we mumbled to the crowd, turning to face one another once more.

His eyes ran over me, first landing on my unkempt hair and grimy face, then moving to my bandaged hands, and settling on where he knew my 'flea wound' was.

"Your hands…"

I waved him off with a smile. Best not to worry the sick.

"Where am I?"

Ikalgo chose that moment to speak up. "You're in an underground clinic. As Siroun mentioned, you've been asleep for two full days."

The nurse came by, mentioned something about payment, and dragged Killua away to fulfill that wish.

That just left Ikalgo and I, which meant it was obviously apology time, my favorite.

"Listen, I'm really really really really really sorry for the way I acted," I began, looking him straight in the eyes and hoping my girlish charm would earn me forgiveness. He was a mutant, but it might work.

He just smiled and waved a tentacle at me. I would never get used to that.

"It's perfectly fine, you were just worried about your boyfriend."

My face flushed.

"He's not my boyfriend, you dumb shrimp!" - is what I would have said, if I hadn't been in a good mood. Instead, I sighed slowly and chose my words with a careful demeanor.

"You seem to be mistaken, sir," I said, my voice shaking, eyebrow twitching. He looked at me with fright. "But that brat is nothing _close _to my boyfriend."

"O-oh. I'm sorry, I just assumed-"

He looked up and sealed his mouth shut. Killua had most definitely been behind me, circling around as I stood with my hands on my hips.

"What'd Gon say?" I asked, part of me hoping he hadn't heard what I'd said. I had to admit, the words were harsh, and far from what I actually wanted. Ugh, but that was a delicate matter which I had no intention of pursuing.

"He's sent the money." The good news was that he was smiling, the bad news was that it was a fake smile. Now Killua was an outstanding actor, unfortunately. But nearly two years with Snowy let me know his facial expressions, in particular, the fake ones.

"That's good…"

Ikalgo was swayed by Killua's falsities, seeming relieved by his cheery demeanor. At least I wouldn't have to worry about the little octo dude.

Killua let out a sigh and began to check out his injuries for himself, meaning he was shirtless and um….flexing.

Let me tell you, there were a lot of muscles on that kid that I did not know were there.

My face was burning, and I resisted the urge to hide it, looking away instead.

He didn't seem to care that he was half naked in front of a girl, reviewing his injuries and checking to see if he'd healed.

Probably because I'd just flat out said that I basically hated his guts. Did I? No. I was just really really irritated by him nine times out of ten. That didn't mean I hated him. What I did hate was the fact that I'd actually taken quite the liking to the jerkface. Okay, he wasn't that much of a jerkface, just spoiled.

Who was I kidding, I'd had a silly crush on him for a long time.

The hard part was telling whether it was because we were friends or because I really did hold romantic interest with him.

But first and foremost came the extermination of those gross bugs. And then Gon's fragile emotional state. And then Killua's slightly better one. And then came my stupid feelings.

Yeah, it would have to stay in that order.

"Let's go," Killua said, his voice edging on impatient.

Right. That order, always.

* * *

**Ending on a strange note, I know. Anyway, thanks for reading and hope you enjoyed. **


	8. Human

**A/N: Hey, I know this is like shameless self advertising, but if you could check out my FMA fic, that'd be great. I'll probably be spending **_**a lot **_**more time on it, so if you want more awkward OC, then that's the place to go. **

* * *

"How do you get your hair to stay that way?" I asked, touching the end of Knuckle's voluptuous hairdo to find that it was stiff. He looked a bit shocked at my forward display, but before he could respond, Killua's voice beckoned me over.

"This isn't a beauty salon! Get over here and help us plan!"

Rolling my eyes, I followed his instructions and sat down in between the two boys. Reuniting with Gon had been like a dream come true. That's not to say hanging out with Killua wasn't nice, I mean, our time together was…_interesting, _it's just that I had one less presence to worry about. If I could see him before me, it meant he was safe, even if just for a meager moment.

I grabbed a water bottle from the snack stash, gulping it down while they talked of the infiltration plan. Listening would just be a bore, and besides, Killua would just drill the plan into me later anyway.

"Ah, and one final thing," Killua said, his voice zoning back into my thoughts. Before I could register what was happening, his pale hand came out and pushed the end of my water bottle, the liquid within travelling up and up and up...and settling all over my shirt. He was already prepared to bolt as the words came out of my mouth.

"You jerk!"

With the plan more or less finalized, and some of the stressful tension relieved from the air, the adults were able to sit back and watch as Killua dodged all of the lazy punches I shot at him, curse words escaping my mouth with each one.

"Quit laughing!" I demanded at both Killua and the adults, trading my tired approach in for a more aggressive one. Soon enough, we were full out sparring, my breath escaping slowly as I focused on hitting his blurred form.

Sometimes it was good to just unwind.

* * *

My blood pulsed in my ears, loud and unforgiving, not quite ready to be spilled. A million different possibilities, all bad, were sifting through my mind, trying to outwin the others.

And yet, there I was, still ascending the impressive staircase, fighting to not glance at my friends' faces. This would require full attention. A culmination of my training.

But whatever that _thing _was that was standing before me - flesh red, with far too many appendages - had me frozen in my spot.

_Don't freeze up, _I pleaded with myself. _Not now. Not here. _

Then, in a perilous moment of collective fear, the ceiling gave way, beams of light following through. It was...unexpected, to say the least, but whatever it was, it was an advantage to us. So I took the chance; I followed behind Killua, who followed behind Gon, as we bypassed (thank god) the ugly creature, and darted up the rest of the stairs.

My mind switched to autopilot, blindly following Gon, who seemed to know where to go. At some point in my blurry run, I watched Ikalgo take a turn for the elevators, and to my confusion, Killua followed. A spray of blood later, and I realized I'd stopped to watch as he murdered two chimera ants.

Ikalgo was gone.

Killua rejoined quickly, and I willed my legs to move faster as I watched his back.

.

.

.

_His back, quickly receding into the distance. Cruel words replayed in my mind. _

"_You aren't good enough." _

_Pleading, pain, blood - not mine. _

_Brother isn't well. _

_He isn't well. _

_His back, bathed in crimson. _

.

.

.

The force of the memory almost stopped me in my tracks, but I took a deep breath shook my head minutely.

_Really not the time. _

We finally stopped on the tower next to the throne room, all three of us watching as Netero, Zeno, and another freak stalked past us. The only interaction was the chairman's thumb moving behind his head, confirming Pitou's whereabouts. My blood was ice.

_We're really doing this. _

Another deep breath, and I followed.

"Let's go." Gon's words bounced around in my head, simple and commanding. But somehow misleading all the same. There was no way to tell what he meant; I was sure Killua was busy deciphering that.

I placed my hand on his shoulder gently, and he turned to look at me. And then we were _both _following, letting Gon lead us to the throne room without (major) qualms.

I just had to make sure I didn't freeze.

Killua just had to make sure he didn't break down.

Simple, right?

We stalked through the black abyss, slowly, until we passed through the archway and officially entered Pitou's domain.

The subsequent release of Gon's nen made my hair stand on end, my fists clenching in surprise. It was _dark_, flaring out, tendrils touching each and every thing in the room. This was not the happy green boy I knew. This was something far out of my control - revenge.

He was _furious_, angrier than I'd ever seen anyone before.

Memories of his smiling face seemed so far away. Vising Whale Island, meeting Mito, innocently discussing our futures - they were an eternity ago. Eons.

Because all I could see was Gon's fury. All I could hear was his teeth grinding together, his words coming out in enraged yells. And all I could feel was the pressure, the intensity, of his black emotion.

Gon and Killua were discussing, a one sided affair. From what words I could pick out through my swimming thoughts, Killua was suggesting we wait for the girl to be healed. Suggesting that we comply with Pitou's pleas.

"IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU?" Gon's snarl sent chills down my back. His rage was suddenly directed at his friends.

"YOU WANT...YOU WANT ME TO TRUST THIS THING? I CAN'T DO THAT!"

_snap_

My heart stopped, a sick feeling rising in my throat. The monster had broken its own arm, but was still calm, offering both legs, offering its other appendages. The monster was _negotiating. _Negotiating for the girl's life.

I pushed the descriptor 'human' out of my head.

Gon's fists smashed into the ground - _monster - _and the whole room shook with the force.

Shouts of injustice, another (massive) flare of nen, Killua's voice barking out, "Gon!" I remained silent, but I hadn't felt that close to crying in a long time.

The boy, emotionally drained, collapsed to the floor. Killua and I shared a quick look of concern - something was wrong.

Sure enough, Gon's words rang clear, throaty and violent.

"To hell with that."

More energy, impossible levels, fueled by all the wrong things. It circled around his fist, poised to make connection with Neferpitou.

"Gon, if you kill Pitou, we'll never get Kite back."

_How funny, _I deftly thought. _How funny that now Gon is now the one being held back from killing. Killua and I...we were wrong. _

_Gon isn't light. _

"He's right, Gon. Please, you have to wait," I said, voice stronger than I felt.

Slowly, the tension seeped from his body, his flame extinguishing.

"You have it easy. You're perfectly calm."

His fists twitched. "Since it means nothing to you…"

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is when Killua's heart _broke. _

I could see it, plain as day, his lip quivering, his chest heaving in an attempt to stifle emotions.

I realized I was doing the same. My eyes were wet, warm tears threatening to spill down my face. My throat closed and I willed myself to stop them before they could run.

"I'm only saying this because you're out of control. Did you forget what you said when we first came here?" Killua took several steps forward.

"We're here to get Kite back! Pull it together!"

A heavy silence. I attempted to keep myself together by pulling on the memories of Greed Island, the Hunter Exam, helping out Kurapika. It didn't work; the water stained my cheeks, and I tried furiously to wipe it away. It just kept coming.

"Yeah. I'm okay now."

My shoulders sagged as Gon walked away, my heart sinking.

He had a short conversation with Pitou, an agreement of sorts, before rooting himself to the floor.

A shuddering breath in, a shuddering breath out; Killua glanced at me with sad eyes. My tears were gone, but I felt worse than before.

I followed him out of the room.

* * *

_Sometimes it was good to just unwind. _

I watched, from the top of the pit, while Killua relentlessly attacked Freak #1 - Youpi. Again and again and again, he let electricity spark from his limbs, slamming into the monster with painful force.

It still wasn't enough.

I sighed, chewing on one of my fingers absentmindedly, trying to lock everything in. Just for now. Just until I could let it out later. I wouldn't do what Killua was doing; I wouldn't risk myself that way. Besides, I didn't enjoy fighting as much as he did. And I wouldn't last by myself. For my nen to work, I would need to draw Youpi's blood, draw my own, and write out a command.

Maybe if Killua got the former, but I doubted it was likely. Youpi was far stronger, although he was (sort of) getting his ass kicked while I thought.

It would only take me a few seconds to write: _freeze, _or _stop, _or _die. _That last one may not work. It depended on my own nen, and my opponent's power.

_Of course it would work...but I would probably die myself. _

I considered it for a second, using all of my life force to take down Youpi.

And then promptly decided it wasn't worth it.

Another sigh escaped my lips, and then Killua was beside me, Meleoron, too.

And we vanished.

* * *

Once, when Kurapika was brooding over the Phantom Troupe, I asked him what he thought family meant.

And he said, "Why are you asking me this?"

And I told him it was because I thought of him as my older brother.

His eyes were wide, and I blushed with the realization of what I'd said, but it wasn't uncomfortable. It was the truth.

He just ruffled my hair and gave a small smile. "I think you understand it better than I do."

His words didn't make any sense to me then, but that was no surprise. Kurapika was far smarter and spoke in ways that I hardly ever understood.

But then, as I was laying in my bed that very night, I couldn't help but regret what I had said.

Because I already _had _an older brother. I couldn't replace him. That wasn't right. What was I doing?

I understand now, what he meant.

* * *

_His back, burdened with the weight of the world._

* * *

**_A/N: I apologize for any shoddy work. Still have that writer's block._**


	9. There was

_There was the_ crackle of static electricity in the air, the brush of Killua's perfectly white hair as it drifted upwards.

I stretched my arms, listened as he said, "Once I've finished charging, I'm heading back to Gon. You head over to where Knuckle is, okay?"

"Wh - what about you?" asked Meleoron.

There was a brief moment of silence. I picked at some of the rubble along the wall.

"Now that Gon's like that, he's not going to move an inch…So worst case-scenario, it'll be a double suicide," Killua said, and each word felt heavy and weighted and _painful. _

The piece of rubble I was picking at hit the floor, bounced.

And then he pulled a stupid face, said, "I'm kidding!" But it was an obvious attempt to lighten the mood. "I'll be fine, okay? I've got the magic word 'Kite' after all…You can leave this to me."

"To us," I reminded him. He looked up at me, our eyes connected, he shook his head.

"I want you to go with Meleoron."

Don't do this, Killua. Don't push me away.

I glared. "It's not up for discussion."

Another tense silence, where Killua turned away, watched something far off that wasn't there. And somehow, he looked so fucking sad in that moment. That tiny, tiny moment that probably meant nothing to him — he takes himself for granted.

And then it was just the two of us. Meleoron left, and Killua was done 'charging', and I still stared at the wall.

"Why don't you want me to come?" I asked, softly.

He had yet to turn back to me, and I watched the fabric of his shirt move and ruffle as he walked in the opposite direction.

"You'll just get in the way."

My breath caught in my throat, cold and sharp. I wanted to berate him, chide him, ask him if I've always been in the way. But instead, I whispered, "You don't mean that."

I felt like a fool. A useless, worthless fool.

I really hoped he didn't mean that.

* * *

_There was the _roar of battle, of Palm's hands, covered in armor and coated with distance, as they lashed out at us.

It was in one decisive movement that I slit my arm, let blood run out of it. That's right - if it would keep her away from Gon, I'd do anything.

_I don't want to go back._

_I don't want to go back. _

_I don't want to go back. _

The red dripped against the floor, but I was still going, rushing, darting, everywhere, anywhere. Killua kept her at bay, and I readied myself to write my command on the ground. It would expend great energy, but if Gon died...If Killua died...It wouldn't be worth it anymore, anyways. To live.

Killua's words stopped me. "Palm! Why are you looking for Gon? Depending on your answer, I might tell you where he is!"

"Huh?" She paused as well. "Why after all this? I don't have a reason, I just want to see him. Anyhow, he's close by, right? I'll find him myself."

Her armor tightened again, pretty expression darkening. "Because I'm gonna fucking kill you!"

I leant over the tile again, dodged one of her attacks, prepared myself to sacrifice everything.

I was afraid.

"I'm sorry!" Killua yelled. "I know I got angry and called you an enemy, but though your outside's changed, you're still Palm, right?"

This time she really froze, and I held my hand tightly where it was poised above the floor, shaking and shaking and shaking.

"Gon's in pain!" he shouted. "Someone Gon looked up to was changed to become cruel and heartless...That person even had his heart taken from him. Right now Gon's facing off with the person who did it."

Slowly, I stood, clutched my wrist with all the force in my hand. The bleeding was a torrent, but I'd long since become accustomed to the sight.

"If you suddenly appeared as you are now, Gon would lose it." And the words are soft and sweet and cold. They hurt. "So please! First I have to hear you say his name…'Gon'. That's the condition!"

"Say it's...okay," he whispered. I wanted to move closer, to tell him those words, but what good could I do? I'm a useless little girl.

A coward.

Even then, when he needed someone, I couldn't help him, comfort him. And that's why, I told myself, I'll never be what he needs - I'll never be what _anyone _needs. I gripped my arm more tightly, with more strength, watched the red, tried not to cry the tears that wouldn't come.

"Right before we broke in here," Killua continued, "Gon couldn't stop worrying about you."

"Give Gon…

...Peace of mind."

Silence, tense and heavy. I looked up, watched his own tearful face. I wondered why I'd pushed them so far away when now, when it really mattered, all I wanted to do was keep them close. How funny, what it takes to realize that.

"Please, just a little. Put him at ease. You're...the only one left who can do that now. No one... else can. I…"

His shoulders quivered and I heard the undisguised sniffles. My heart sank so low, grew so much only to be constricted and torn and thrown deep into the ground. I stared at it's resting place, on the tile, where my blood dripped slowly, ever so slowly.

"_I can't do it!" _

He sobbed, with his head to the floor and his cries in the air.

I left.

* * *

_There was the _dust of the fallen palace, the high pressure of remorse and energy in the air.

The tower had fallen, right before Ikalgo and I.

For a second, anxiety tore at my stomach and mind and body, but then Palm and Killua strode out, looking almost cheerful. I sighed.

"Siroun!...Iklago?!"

I stood from my crouch. The fabric I'd wrapped around my wrist was soaked and it was all for nothing. They spoke of plans and Palm and Gon and everything important and nothing I didn't already know. I was beginning to feel light headed, but even so, I pulled Killua aside afterwards, said,

"Listen, I…"

He smiled sadly, so sadly, said, "I know. You don't have to worry about losing me." There was the unspoken 'too'.

"Good. I should tell you, just in case, though…" I swallowed. "I was the one that ate your chocolates." Damn it, Siroun. Wrong fucking secret. Guess I really am too afraid.

He blinked, a flash of..._disappointment_? But it was gone, flipped to feigned annoyance in an instant.

"I _knew_ it!"

"Says the guy who fought with Gon for weeks!"

"I can't believe you just let him take the fall like that," he said, one eyebrow up, face cattish and judgmental at the same time.

I laughed weakly. "...Yeah."

His eyes raked over me in a way that made me feel very naked - sweeping, examining my actions, tearing apart my expression, my words.

_Thank you._

_I'm sorry._

_Goodbye. _

He must have found nothing, because although he looked mildly concerned, everything snapped back to normal; we parted with no more.

* * *

_There was panic. _

"No way," Palm muttered.

"What's going on?!" I asked, because I could no longer be quiet and sit back and watch. Gon...Please, don't die.

And then Killua was darting off, fast as the speed of light, Komugi dumped carelessly into outstretched arms.

* * *

_Thank you, both of you, for all that you've done_

_I'm sorry for the times I screwed up, for the extra burden that I was. _

_Goodbye..._

_...I think I loved you. _

* * *

There was silence.


	10. Parting

_I don't want to die. _

* * *

I didn't feel my feet give way, or my knees hit the ground with a muted _thud_; didn't hear the clashing of battles in the background or the sound of my own breathing; didn't smell the soil under my feet, or the chalky sent of rubble that drifted in the air. I felt only pure numbness, heard only Gon's labored gasps, smelled the iron tang of blood and tasted the same...

And that was it.

Every one of my senses was occupied by the sight of the two boys before me, one slung onto the other's back. His black hair swayed behind him wildly, limp frame shaking with the pure strain, the pure effort of keeping alive. That was not Gon Freecss. It _couldn't _have been Gon Freecss, the boy who was full to the brim with energy and brightness. That _thing_ on Killua's back exuded thick clouds of aura, the kind that made me want to double over in nausea. That _thing _wasn't my friend.

But what scared me even more was that Killua looked just as hollow, his expression flashing between absolute _heartbreak, _and blank nothingness. Red seeped down his arms and legs, not his own, but that of the broken boy. His head was hung dismally, his feet shuffling with robotic movements. I wanted to reach out and lift the burden from his back, but I knew that if I held that weight for even just a second, I would crumble entirely. As it was, I was having trouble not falling apart just watching him drift past me.

"...What happened?" I asked the question with a trembling voice, rising on my legs unsteadily. Everything about me screamed instability as I took careful steps towards him. No, it wasn't instability. It was something else…._fear. _

Fear at his answer, at my own mental state.

Both of those fears were instantly heightened by Killua's silence, his feet still moving forward to leave me in the dust.

"Killua!" I could hear my voice cracking, but I didn't care. I didn't care what happened anymore as long as they were safe, as long as it wasn't already over.

It couldn't be over.

"_Killua!" _

* * *

_Beep...beep...beep…_

I awoke to the heart monitor and tears staining my face.

My face, which was dry and crusty and tired and bearing eyes that were not quite ready to open. But had to. I took one shuddering, raspy breath in, one out, dared to view the world.

It was a hospital room, plain and simple. Empty.

I craned my neck around, felt stringy hair brush my neck, fingered the IV that was inserted into my arm. And I take note of the bandages binding my wrists tightly - that must have been the cause. The reason I passed out.

God, how could I be so stupid?

Heart heavy, I ripped the IV out, stood on wobbling legs. What if Gon was dead because of me? What if Killua thought he was all alone?

My clothes were set on the dresser aside the bed. As fast as I could, I threw them on, discarded the flimsy hospital gown, tied my hair up per usual, ran. Ran out the door, down the winding halls. Ignore the nausea, the dizziness, I told myself. It'll pass.

Just make sure he's okay.

I stumbled into the elevator, smashed the first floor button.

Dark thoughts swirled through my head, nausea pounding at my stomach and all my limbs quaking under my clothes. I struggled to stay upright, conscious.

And then the doors popped open.

There they were.

Killua stood next to some young girl I didn't know, didn't really regard, and next to him was Gon, looking healthier than me even. I'm not ashamed to admit that I cried, _a lot. _How could I not? They were okay, safe, alive. I was okay, safe, alive. _We made it out. _

So with big fat tears in my eyes, I attacked Gon in a hug. I listen to his beautiful, _living, _laughter, felt his warm chest and strong arms, and cried even harder, because he was okay_. It's okay. _And when I was done attacking Gon, I pulled back and attacked Killua.

Which was a hell of a lot more awkward, but hey, _that's me! _

I wrapped my arms tightly around his waist, felt as he stiffened and then relaxed and let his hands rest upon my back.

"Oh god, it's over," I mumbled, wiping my eyes, pulling back. "Sorry, I'm just so relieved."

They smiled. "Yeah."

And finally, my attention settled on the little girl, who was annoyingly pretty. Her skin was fair and perfect, eyes round, shiny, blue, hair bedecked with clips and a headband. I'd never interacted with girls much, aside from Bisky, but I get the feeling Biscuit doesn't really count.

"Um, hi," I said weakly, still shocked, still feeling sick.

"Onii-chan, is this the friend you talked about?" She look to him with those big blue eyes, cocked her head when she spoke.

Wait - _Onii-chan_? No way.

I recovered first, laughed a little hysterically. "You talked about me?"

His face darkened with blush, per usual. "No! I just -"

"Yep," his sister input (god bless). "He talked about you a lot!"

Laughter bubbled from my lips once more, a bit louder than I intended, a bit less melodious. I felt extremely faint.

"That's very interesting and all," I said, holding onto the wall for support. "But I could really use something to eat. Can we talk about this over...Uh, what meal is this?"

"Lunch," Gon supplied. "You were asleep for a long time!"

"Coming from you," I caught Killua mumble.

Uh oh, there's a story here. A big one.

But I smiled anyway and let them lead me to the in-hospital cafe with little qualms. It was just nice to be together again.

I kept on ignoring the little voice in my head that spoke the truth: _it won't last for long. _

* * *

Midway through our meal, after difficult explanations, it became apparent that I couldn't help but feel a little jealous of the way he so easily wrapped his arms around Alluka. The way he exuded love for her, acceptance. And I was left somewhat alone, forced to watch with so many conflicting thoughts on my mind. It weighed heavily on my chest, my heart feeling empty and full all the same.

I turned my back on the scene and scurried away, finding refuge in the bathroom. A small smirk played on my lips as I stared at the mirror; it reminded me of when Killua had gotten injured. Except I had my cool the second time around. I was composed, focusing on fixing my hair and adjusting my clothing. Vanity was a nice distraction from everything else.

But there were still tears beading in my eyes, threatening to fall.

The door burst open, my head swiveling up to find Killua.

"Ahhh!" I covered my eyes with my hands. "You can't be in here! This is the women's bathroom!"

Between my fingers I could see his pink tinted cheeks. "I need to talk to you."

"Well how about somewhere other than the fucking women's bathroom!" I shouted, still perturbed. "There's plenty of nice cafes down here."

"It's not my first choice of destination!" He retorted, looking pissed as well. "But you've been acting strange."

Oh, he noticed. My heart dropped even further, deciding that it was full after all. And heavier than a rock.

"I haven't-" He cut me off with a loud snort.

"You know you have."

My hands finally fell from my face, hanging limply at my sides. More than ever, tears yearned to spill, held back only by faltering will.

"I can't help it," I admitted, voice cracking. If he was shocked, he didn't show it, remaining nonchalant with his hands in his pockets and his cocky scowl ever present. At least normal, happy Killua was back. "I just don't want to say…"

"Goodbye," he finished, saying it so easily, like it meant nothing. I wasn't the most dramatic person - in fact, I was usually the one to dismiss the situation with a joke, but those words were shell shocking. My heart was in my toes.

"Yeah."

"Then don't."

I swear my eyes were the size of saucers, my hopes suddenly spiking.

"Huh?" I managed to ask.

"Come with us." He blushed harder. "You don't have to leave."

"But-"

He cut me off again. "I know you don't want to go back. And besides, Alluka and I could use the extra company."

Before I knew what I was doing, my arms were wrapped around his neck, squeezing tightly. Yet another odd action from me. My face burned and he was too surprised to move, but I held on.

"Thank you," I mumbled into his shoulder, still fighting back the waterworks. He placed his hands gingerly on my own back, the touch pretty much electrifying. Literally. The boy was covered in static electricity.

I pulled away, feeling awkward and vulnerable. And then I did something that made the whole situation ten thousand times worse. I leaned forward, letting my lips touch his lightly. It wasn't much, but if I thought his touch was electrifying, then his kiss was so much more. At least he didn't pull away; maybe that meant that I wasn't doing something horribly regretful.

But I pulled away, for the same reason I separated the hug. Or, I tried to. His hands reached out to pull me back, latching onto my shoulders and connecting our mouths again.

What.

I swear, my brain short-circuited.

After a good ten seconds, I moved back, breathed deeply, stared at his flushed face.

"Huh?" I stuttered out. Good going, Siroun. You really are eloquent. And then I left, not even waiting for a response. I just sprinted out the door, lips moist, head pounding.

Doesn't he know I can't leave with him?

Why would he do something like that?

Suddenly, the romanticism in running off with Killua and Alluka had faded; if I left, my mom would be on her own for even longer, and I'd already done a bad thing by leaving in the first place. No, I _had _to go back.

And he was just making it ten million times harder.

I sat down at the café table with Alluka and Gon, sipped my water, told them some lie about how Killua went to go wash his hands.

* * *

We stood before the tree, on a hot summer's day, pretending that none of it was going to hurt, preparing ourselves to be rid of one another. We might never meet again. We might die, and the others would be none the wiser.

I swallowed the hard lump in my throat, chided myself for wishing I could go with him. . I wanted it more than anything in the world. But it was wrong.

My lips stretched into the fakest, widest smile I could pull off, my hand coming up in a friendly wave.

"Bye!"

I was a fool to believe in happy endings, to believe that I could find anything good. Hot tears were burning my throat, threatening to spill out of my eyes. So I looked back just one final time.

Killua was there, his blue eyes shining brilliantly, his arm wrapped around Alluka's shoulder. He didn't look _happy _\- that much was for sure. But he didn't look sad, either. Maybe nostalgic, or regretful, but not sad.

I turned around, setting off down the road with one goal in mind: Home.

That's right; happy endings are a lie. There is no right or wrong, just the way things are.

So I had no reason to be upset then.

No reason to look back.

No reason at all.

* * *

**End Part One**


	11. update

Just to let you know, the sequel is up. It's called same day, same moon.

have fun


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